Awol's Answers, Vol. 1
Kantian girlfriends, distant boyfriends, cave-dwelling terrorists, and more...
Last week, I asked you to tell me all of your issues, so I could tell how to resolve them in my advice column.
The sheer number of responses was disheartening. Why must my readers live such bad lives? Fret not, however. I have a certificate.
Today I will reply to a number of the messages I received. If yours is not included, don’t give up. There were too many messages to tackle in one newsletter, so you may see it addressed in a future column.
One reader said: “[p]lease don't paywall this, or other advice column posts, because the best part of advice column posts is watching the commenters weigh in!”. I agree! As a result, every Awol’s Advice instalment will be free. To quote friend-of-the-blog
,For some issues, I am going to include them at the bottom without comment — this is because, while I do have a certificate, I know some of my readers have certificates in psychiatry, sex therapy, navigating grad school, etc., as opposed to the adjacent field of competitive close-up magic.
As always, if you want instructions on how to live your life, submit your issue anonymously here.
My boyfriend is really close to his dad.
We’ve been dating 5 months, been a couple for 4.
His dad is still booking things for them to do together, without giving time for him and I to discuss what we’re doing.
Especially for non-family-oriented holidays, it would be nice to do something together, and start creating memories.
I feel like his dad is constantly disrespecting our relationship, and putting him in situations where he can meet other girls.
We haven’t met yet, but I’m starting to feel resentment towards him. How do I talk to my boyfriend about establishing a boundary with his dad?
Sincerely,
Feeling Left Behind.
Hello Ms. Left Behind.
First, consider that you might be what the French call de lulu. How, specifically, do you feel that your boyfriend’s dad is constantly disrespecting your relationship? Is he saying mean things about you, telling your boyfriend he can do better? Or is the behaviour you describe — booking trips with short notice — constitutive of the disrespect in your opinion?
I am interested in the suspicion that he is putting your boyfriend in situations where he can meet other girls. Do you think he is doing this on purpose? Where do these ‘situations’ sit on a scale of ‘outside’ to ‘Father-and-Son speed dating’? The beach? An airport? A coffee shop that moonlights as a bookshop?
Now consider that you are not being de lulu, and think strategically. You do not, at this time, have the chips to start putting boundaries between your boyfriend and his dad. You might be able to offer him things his dad should not, but consider that your boyfriend has been emotionally negged by his father (“I’m not mad, I’m disappointed”, “you’ve let the team down, you’ve let your family down, but most importantly—”, etc.) since the age of one. This manipulative weasel has wormed his way into your boyfriend’s heart to such an extent that his affective states will always partially depend on what he thinks his father thinks of him. You only have five-ish months on the guy, putting you at a serious tactical disadvantage.
The other points are fairly obvious and I’m sure you’ve given them thought: if your boyfriend’s father is trying to muscle you out because he is jealous or something, he will be able to tell if your boyfriend starts drifting away from him because of you, and intensify these efforts. The efforts might succeed, which is bad for you, or they might fail but create significant friction. This friction might snowball into other issues, where your boyfriend starts resenting you and, more and more, finds other reasons to resent you because he no longer likes you quite as much. Alternatively, he will stay with you but be sad and harbour a grudge — family gatherings, which are inevitable, will not be very fun, and eventually you will want to put the cat in the bag (except you will not be able to, because the cat is the cat from K-Pop Demon Hunters and the bag is one of those Balenciaga mini chain wallets with very little room to store things.)
Why haven’t you met his father? Where does he live, Poland? Meet his father! Fly to Poland if you have to. You can’t defeat this man before scoping him out over breakfast. If you have to wait for practical reasons, wait. Do not make any chess moves until you have met his father.
When you meet him, you can turn on the charm offensive. Make him like you, by being infectiously nice. If he didn’t like you before, he will probably like you after. Just as you — maybe — have projected devious intentions onto your boyfriend’s father that could be corrected by meeting him, perhaps he has projected devious intentions onto you that a dinner could quickly correct.
If he is a trenchantly sour gremlin who flicks peas at you ever time you offer to wash the dishes and hires dancing girls to seduce your boyfriend in front of you, your boyfriend will notice the dancing girls dancing on him, at which point you can take him aside, tell him your concern (perhaps with scary yelling and threats), and force him to take action.
(So far we have ignored the possibility that your boyfriend is at fault, either because he’s happy to trade off time with you for time spent with someone else, or because he said something about you to his father that made him not like you for a reason. But this possibility — while real — isn’t relevant to your decision-making; it makes sense to act on what you know, and your boyfriend probably won’t admit to either of these if they’re the case.)
I cannot continue living unless I have the correct solutions to all the philosophical paradoxes. PLEASE HELP!!
If you find that you actually just cannot solve the paradoxes after trying for many months, then probably what you should do is kill yourself.
My girlfriend is a Kantian but I'm a utilitarian. This is getting in the way of our weekly snuggling sessions. Help.
As the first philosopher to tackle the ethics of cuddling, I think there is an important gap in the literature here that needs filling.
First, consider things from the point of view of the universe: both you and your girlfriend are wrong about normative ethics, and should change your minds.
Second, consider things from your point of view: if you are an act-utilitarian, you can lie and say you’re a Kantian. (If you do this, make sure to lie about being the based sort of Kantian — a Kantian like
— who donates to shrimp and says charity is good, so you can continue doing utilitarian friendly things in practice.)Third, speaking of Ms. Bacus, I messaged her about your question to bring in the perspective of the modern Kantian woman. She replied,
I think she should be assured that no one can help but recognize the authority of the Moral Law, so her boyfriend really is Kantian already, but just failing to get his explicit philosophical thoughts in line with his true convictions. As long as he’s not killing people or harvesting organs, she has nothing to worry about.
Amos, everything I do feels like a performance. How do I rediscover my true self?
Just play your true self. Nicholas Cage does this, as do a number of famous actors.
I've figured out how to do a thing no one else can do. Please help me.
If you have really figured out how to do something no one else can do, then I can’t help you, because you’re the only person who can do it. If it is a task that requires at least two people, then you have not really figured out how to do something that no one else can do. Not sure how I can help.
If what you wanted was ethical advice, my answer is: (1) don’t do the thing if it’s impermissible, (2) don’t even do the thing if it’s bad but permissible, (3) feel free to do the thing if it’s permissible and axiologically neutral, (4) and do the thing if it’s good or obligatory.
I hate Christmas. Every Christmas I go down into the village and just fuck shit up. Recently I’ve been hanging out alone with a 6 year old girl in my cave and it’s making me cheerful and feel love again. AITA?
Okay, full disclosure, these questions aren’t really that anonymous1. I have sent a SWAT team to this person’s cave, and the SWAT team is going to kill them. It’s okay to confess some immoral behaviour in the submission box, but some people just need to be punished.
And now, I will leave two submissions for my readers to weigh in on.
I dated an asexual person for a decade and now I’m single and have no idea how to have sex anymore.
What’s the secret to making and maintaining friendships later on in life, once old friends have moved to different cities, or gotten married, or had children, or just got really busy with work? Where does friendship fit in a middle age adult’s life? (
?)
They are don’t worry.
I think you've found your true calling
1. continues to be easy. Most people spend at least 15 consecutive years of their life not having sex, and they figure it out eventually. Find someone who you have mutual affection with and they will be indulgent of your re-learning.